Regrets.

I have a few.

Recently, I regret not changing or listening to what I’m supposed to do to salvage a relationship. A small part of me regrets starting the relationship knowing how she was and how I am.

I regret starting smoking marijuana as early as I did. I don’t regret doing it but I do how early I started.

I regret not telling people exactly how I feel. Instead just holding it in to either save face or hope they like me better.

My biggest regret is breaking up with what I think is the true love of my life. She was perfect. Had her faults but we all do. She let me be me. I have not once since then been able to do that. Always have to hide something or change who I am. She was amazing. Drugs make you think a different way. They change your way of thinking. Thankfully I have been sober for years now. I want to contact her but I never have the guts.
Marisa, I’m sorry.

We all have regrets. Take them. Learn from them.

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Want.

I want a girl who respects me for me.
Knows that I have problems and helps through them. Not makes them a hindrance on our relationship.
To wake up in the morning and miss being away from them while you slept but at the same time knows that distance is good. A girl who doesn’t hate me for having anxiety about a situation. Who is acceptant. Who helps me through it and makes me feel safe.

I want a girl I can wrap my arms around and knows that with this one hug and kiss on the forehead that she is my world.

I want a girl who is a woman and let’s me be her man.

Civil

courteous and polite.

This definition is lost amongst former lovers. It’s all catty and hate towards each other.
Yet I do everything I can to be “courteous and polite”. Give her the pass when she doesn’t. What if I acted like a dick to her like she does to me? This house would be a battlefield.
No I’m the only one here being civil. And I’ll keep it that way. I’m not petty.
Just keep this in mind… I will not be here for you if anything goes wrong in your life. I will not help you. I will not be that shoulder to cry on or that listening ear. You are on your own.
When he fucks you over, I will not laugh and praise the day. I will go on with my life. Have fun with yours.

Hurt

To know she has already met someone new.. Started a relationship with him.. Kissed him.. Had sex with him. All while we still live under the same roof.

That’s pain I hope no one ever has to experience. I would not wish that on anybody.

The sun will shine.

Sun rises to a brand new day. The pain of the last few has started to fade. It will always be there. To expect it to be a thing of the past this early would be a gift. A gift that will not be received.

Roll around in bed knowing that the second my eyelids open, the reality will hit. Hold them closed as long as possible. Live in this, don’t let it go, I tell myself. It is useless though. You know she is gone.
Physically she is right there with you. Her smell fills the room. Her presence sits heavy on your heart. Emotionally, she is gone.

Eyes open, sensory overload. Sit up. Breathe.
Begin today. Its a new day. A day that has never been experienced. This can be different.
It doesn’t have to be. It may not be. It is worth the try though.

Remember, today is yours. No one is leaning on you for help or for that emotion. Your heart may scream for it. It may lash around in your chest like a ricocheting bullet hitting everything along the way. Your stomach tightens. Chest is heavy. Breath.

I am not a writer.

I am not a writer by any means. I have 25 years of life and 10 years of stress, disappointment and loss. I write what I feel and what relieves even the tiniest bit of pressure from my life.

This blog will be for that.

Also writing about things that interest me. Music. Movie. Life.

Who knows maybe we all will find something in common. 

You Could Be Happy

“You could be happy and I won’t know.

But you weren’t happy the day I watched you go”

There is something about a song when every single word relates to exactly what you are going through. A relationship that just recently ended is the embodiment of this song.

“And all the things that I wished I had not said

Are played in loops ’till it’s madness in my head”

The main reason this relationship ended had everything to do with me. She was beautiful. She was smart. She was amazing. She was clumsy. She was ridiculous. When you love someone everything about them makes you love them. The bright amazing parts of them as well as the dark parts that they might not like.

It was my fault. All she wanted to hear was how cute, beautiful, amazing she look that day. Even if not everyday, at least every now and then. But as always I couldn’t do that. Did I think it? Everyday. Did I say it? No. Why is that? Am I scared? Yes. To open up is a hard thing in my life. Even with people that I love the most.

‘Is it too late to remind you how we were

But not out last days of silence, screaming, blur”

At the beginning we meshed so well. Nothing was wrong. Honeymoon phase is what I think it is called. We were more then happy. I was hers and she was mine. We moved in together early (may have been the start of the downfall). But we were happy.

Now, its silence. Few words spoken to one another. I’m trying to be as civil as I can. I hope she is too. We still sleep in the same bed. Under the same covers. We are not together. I still wake up every night like I used to. Her perfume fills the room. Every single time its a brief moment of elation. Joy. Happiness. Then it is all washed away by what is now.

“Most of what I remember it makes me sure

I should have stopped you from walking out the door”

There were many small things I could have done to avoid this heartbreak. Listening to what she was saying. Giving that complement here and there. Just being that lover that I was supposed to be and not a soul that is dragging another soul down.

“You could be happy, I hope you are

You made me happier then I’d been by far”

She made me feel alive. Feel joy. Feel pain. Feel love. I have had my share of relationships but they were always the same. With her… it was different. I felt a connection. A true love. A light and warmth that I had not felt before. Maybe that is what scared me. Maybe that is was made it hard to say what was needed to be said. It was something I didn’t know how to deal with.

For the first time marriage crept into my mind. Kids did the same. This could be the woman that I wanted to experience this with. This is the woman I would gladly spend the rest of my life with.

“Somehow everything I own smells of you

And for the tiniest moments it’s all not true”

This is an almost impossible thing to avoid. Living with someone, no matter what you do, Their scent, their aroma, their aura stick onto everything you own. Everything you are.

“Do the things that you always wanted to

Without me there to hold you back, don’t think, just do”

I have anxiety. Depression. Hypoglycemic. I need to be on top of what I eat, when I eat. The anxiety can be crippling. I miss the ability to be able to go somewhere or do something without the worry. It was never like this. I cant help but to think if I just didn’t have this anxiety everything would be easier. I used to love to go places and do anything. Do everything. That is who she is. Miss adventurer. That used to be me. I was just holding her back. Bringing her down. Depression is the devil. One thought, one minor feeling and that proverbial grey cloud appears. Pair that with the anxiety and you have a recipe for a ruined day.

“More than anything I want to see you, girl

Take a glorious bite out of the whole world”

No matter what I feel I want her to be happy. She wasn’t. Why would I want to hold her back from the joy of life, of love. To be loved by someone who can truly verbalize how they feel about this beautiful woman. It not fair to her. There is nothing more that I would want then to have her back in my life. To be able to call her mine. It is not to be. I will live and love again. This one will stick with me till the end of time.

“You could be happy”

-Snow Patrol